confessionsihave

I miss you, friend.
When I think of you I know I will never find someone quite like you. And because of that I know you will always be in my life, in some way.
When I think of you and me I see buliding snow tunnels in pink overalls, drinking hot chocolate and getting our tongues burned. Freaking out, writing silly songs and recording them on your cell. Staying up all night watching Wanye's World and the next day in school wispering funny lines to eatchother "Wanye's world, Waney's world. Party time, Excellent!" only we understood the meaning of it, and it was fine.
I miss having you around, I miss you, because you are the only person who know me to the core. All my secrets,fears and favorite movies.
When I faced the worst thing that ever happened to me five months ago I wanted you to be there, I wanted to run home to you and we would lay in your bed and listen to cassette tapes. You would get my favorite silk quilt, and let me lay there, let me cry it all out until I would not have more tears to spill. You would stay there beside me through it all.
But I could not run home to you. You were to so far away, one long bus ride and a three hour farry to be exact.
When the rush of shock blew over, and when I could breath again I called you. The first words I said to you was the first time I opened my mouth since the scream. Hearing your voice broke everything, all the numbness I had felt shattered. How you talked to me made me miss you even more, you were in shock too but you handled it so well.
I wanted to be in your bed with the silk quilt, taking night walks, sit by the water and cry. You would cry with me so I would feel less alone, because that's how we are.
I want to cry and laugh with you again, not just on the phone.
my dear best friend.

I feel that something is missing. And do not want to remind myself.
Remind myself of you.
Because it is you, when you left you ripped out my insides. Leaving me hollow, empty.
Time goes by without you, who long has it been? five months? maybe even six?
I hardly rememeber the shape of you face when you smiled. I saw you everyday for four years, and still you were not strong enough to imprint in my mind. Or maybe I was stronger, stronger of shutting you out.
You did the darkest crime of all, you betrayed me. You made me look like a fool, I hate the way you left me so helpless. Everytime someone mention something that can relate to you I feel the scar inside me rip open cutting me at the edges, and it gets worse every single day.
I just want the thoughts inside my mind to shut up, please leave me in peace, but they won't. At the tick of the clock new thoughts of you hunts my mind. I want to stop thinking, and I hate you for it. My mind has always been a place were I can drift away free and let my imagination get the best of me. Not now, not after you left, and I hate you for it. Thinking of you is like sticking a knife into my heart over and over.
Mostly I hate you for the fact that I still love you my friend.
You be foreverly missed.